Dream question: why won’t they speak to me? Dreams after bereavement

This was a dream question sent to me for answer: If you’d like a chance for your dream question to be answered find out more about the The Dream Download™ here. This topic is also discussed at length in my book Answers In The Dark: Grief, Sleep and How Dreams Can Help You Heal.

⚠️ This article briefly mentions death by murder and suicide

“Why, when I dream of friends and relatives who have died, do they snub me?” L.

Dreaming about people who have passed away can be unsettling, even more so when the person who has died behaves in a way which is unkind or unexpected in the dream.  I have worked with dreams following bereavement for more than two decades, particularly those bereaved by murder and suicide and it’s not uncommon for people to describe what you have.  Dreams of a person we have loved and lost are called Visitation Dreams.

When the person who has died appears in a dream in an ‘unkind’ way, this is more usually a form of ‘nighttime therapy’. It may be asking us to explore the relationship we had with the people in the dream, and consider if there is any “unfinished business” or unresolved thoughts and feelings, perhaps a conversation we wish we’d had.

You mention in your dreams that your friends and relatives ‘snub’ you – this seems like a very deliberate act on their part but in essence may represent your acknowledgement they are no longer here. It may be, on some level, you have processed them dying as them no longer wanting or choosing to spend time with you. This naturally feels painful and personal to you, both in the dream and in your waking life. (Some people don’t dream about their dead relatives or friends at all, and this can be equally hard to process). 

It may be that you feel guilty about things which were said or done prior to their passing, or you may wish you had done more to prevent their death happening, however impossible or unlikely this may have been. You may also wish they had done more to be with you; sometimes people feel like their loved one just “gave up”. This type of dream is common after someone takes their own life. 

Some people believe that dreams are a way to communicate with the deceased and it’s fair to say that many cultures consider dreams a way of receiving helpful messages from the other side. It’s important to emphasise, though, that these types of communications are always received as enlightening in some way – the content is never unkind or hurtful – but instead provide valuable information for the dreamer to take positive action in some area of their life.

People who have pleasant dreams of people that have passed away often wake up feeling as if something very special has just happened.  For this reason, dreams where deceased loved ones appear in a way which hurts you are more likely reflecting a worry or issue you have about their passing – hence the term ‘nighttime therapy’.  

Keeping a dream diary can help find patterns within your dreams, for example you may find that you dream of those who have passed away around the time of anniversaries such as when they died, or other significant event like a wedding or birthday. I offer a template on how to keep a dream diary in Answers In The Dark. 

Dreams after a bereavement is a huge topic, and bereavement itself is rarely straightforward; sometimes dream content during the grieving process may seem cruel – yet equally understandable – even years after the person has died. (We sometimes dream of being lost when someone dies, which of course makes sense. Incidentally, we may also have dreams where we can’t speak either). But it is important to allow yourself time to understand your relationships with the people who have passed away, how you’re dealing with their death and consider how this may be having an impact in your waking life. Talking things through with a close friend or a professional can be a helpful way of understanding your loss.

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Delphi is the author of Answers In The Dark: Grief, Sleep and How Dreams Can Help You Heal, out now on Amazon and Hive.  The Dreams Maven™ is part of the Helping You Sparkle™ portfolio.  You might also like Monday Mojo™.

© Delphi Ellis, updated 2023 – please note this content may also appear elsewhere as promotional material for Answers In The Dark.