Dream Question: Why do I keep dreaming about my ex?

This was dream question sent to me for answer: If you’d like a chance for your dream question to be answered find out more about the The Dream Download™ here. Topics like this feature in my book Answers In The Dark: Grief, Sleep and How Dreams Can Help You Heal.

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“I occasionally dream about my ex-boyfriend. I’ve been in a new and happy relationship for years, so why would I dream about him after all this time?”

This is one of those dreams which can leave you feeling confused, especially when you’re happier now than you were back then.

Previous significant partner relationships can have a huge impact, both on our physical and mental wellbeing, especially if they either ended badly or under difficult circumstances. They can also create the blue print for future partnerships – in terms of what we want (and don’t want) and what warning signs / positives to look out for.

Sometimes reflecting on a relationship can be helpful, but too much analysis can taint the relationships we go on to form. As a safety mechanism, we might end up tarring everyone with the same brush (eg we might find it difficult to trust), but equally it’s important to be aware of what a healthy relationship looks like.

Whatever conclusions we may draw, the ‘blue print’ could then get ‘locked in’ to your subconscious, so that whenever the subject of relationships comes up, your dreams will flag up what you feel works (and what doesn’t).

If you’re dating right now, does your date remind you of your ex, for example do they share any traits or are they the complete opposite? It might be something they’ve done or said – or you thought – has triggered a memory, that your brain plants as a seed to dream about at night.

How did you feel when you woke up from the dream? The emotions you experience both during and after a dream can give you a clue to its meaning. It might be that there are (even just) small things you miss about your ex, that you wish your new partner shared. Or maybe your dream is just reminding you that you’re better off without them. (We might dream of a partner cheating in a similar way, though dreams about sex are not necessarily what you might think).

Have a think about what could have prompted you to have this dream at this specific moment. Perhaps you’ve had an argument with your current partner, or you have a subconscious fear that your new relationship will go the same way as your last one. This is why keeping a dream diary can be helpful, to help you understand why you have these dreams when you do. (I offer an example Dream Diary template in Answers In The Dark).

Whether it was your decision to end the previous relationship or theirs, there can often be a feeling of ‘unfinished business’ (like things you wish you’d said, or things you’d hoped they could have done differently). Regret, guilt, hurt and anger can all be feelings which can bubble underneath, your dreams bringing them to the surface at night. Talking these through with a counsellor or a trusted friend can be helpful. If your new or old relationship has turned abusive, organisations like Refuge can help.

A key thing to remember with this type of dream is that it doesn’t mean you’re unhappy now, just that there might be something to explore. Once you know what it might be about, you might find you can move forward in a new relationship, with something of a fresh start.

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Delphi is the author of Answers In The Dark: Grief, Sleep and How Dreams Can Help You Heal, out now on Amazon and Hive. The Dreams Maven™ is part of the Helping You Sparkle™ portfolio. You might also like Monday Mojo™.

Please note this content may also appear elsewhere as promotional material for Answers In The Dark.

Copyright Delphi Ellis, updated 2023