Dream Question: are dreams about sex what they appear to be?

This was a dream question sent to me for answer: If you’d like a chance for your dream question to be answered find out more about the The Dream Download™ here. This topic also features in my book Answers In The Dark: Grief, Sleep and How Dreams Can Help You Heal.

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⚠️ Trigger warning: this article briefly discusses rape.

“How common are sex dreams?“

In people studied who remembered their dreams, around only eight percent of dreams reported were about sex and they can have a number of different themes.

Interpretations may depend on how you define sex, for example including some people might include kissing or masturbation.  The thoughts I’ve offered below focus on sexual intercourse. There currently isn’t much research that I’m aware of that specifically discusses or researches dreams from the perspective of the LGBTQ+ community, so here I’ve had to focus on what we know from the research studied so far which defines respondents as ‘men’ and ‘women’.

Most research agrees men are more likely to have sex dreams than women, although some might suggest the ratio is about the same. One article quotes a study that young women aged between 16 and 30 are having more sex dreams than they used to, but as many women are feeling more liberated to talk freely about their rights and preferences, that might just mean we always have, we’re just talking about it more. About four percent of people report having orgasms in their dreams even if they don’t remember why. One report suggested women may dream of giving someone else an orgasm, whereas men generally dream about their own.

Common Sex Dreams

Types of sex dreams vary. For example, a woman might dream she’s having sex with her boss, whereas a man might dream about having sex with multiple partners in one dream. (One of the reports mentioned above backs this up).

A common dream a lot of people have is that they’re cheating on their partner, or that their partner has cheated on them. On analysis, and hopefully reassuringly, this often seems to be a fear this will happen (perhaps based on previous relationships), rather than a prediction.

Other types of sex dream can be more disturbing, where someone may dream they’re being forced to have sex. People process trauma in different ways but dreams and particularly nightmares can be a sign that trauma may have occurred.

With these types of dream, they may be an echo of an actual event that happened, where the details appear in the dream as they were in real life, or are being relayed slightly differently in the dream. Where this is the case, and particularly if these dreams may be a sign of trauma, it’s always important to speak to a professional so they can offer help as soon as possible. Where the dreams are based on actual events, there are specialist centres as well as organisations like Rape Crisis who can offer confidential support.  A link to sexual assault referral centres in your area in the U.K. is also here.

If you’re worrying that your partner is or may be cheating, then it’s always best to talk to them or reach out to organisations like Relate to help. If the dreams are violent, keeping you awake at night, are memories of a traumatic event or you are worrying about their content in any way, it’s always best to reach out to someone you trust for help. Speak to your doctor first, and see what help they can offer.

Where you are dreaming of sex that’s not based on actual events, or where you’re dreaming you or someone else is instigating it with someone you don’t like or desire, this may be a dream about control or connection. (See below)

Are they actually about sex?

Although sometimes dreams can be about a sexual fantasy or desire – or an acknowledgment you haven’t had any for a while – sex in dreams can be about control or connection, and not necessarily in a sexual way. This is why in your dreams you might have sex with someone you never would in real life.

For example, where a woman dreams she’s having sex with her female boss (and where this doesn’t reflect a sexual fantasy or desire), it may well be there is a power struggle at work that the dreamer is finding uncomfortable.

This is why it’s so important to think about how you feel during the dream, not just afterwards. If you were enjoying sex with your boss in a dream, but never would in real life, then it might be you’re happy your boss is in charge and taking the lead right now.

You might find you have a sex dream about your boss every time your regular 1-1 comes round. People who menstruate may think more about sex around days 7-14+ of their cycle, and that might be another reason why sex dreams appear. Often once people recognise why they have the dreams they do, the dreams take a different form or become less disturbing.

Dreams are unique to everyone though, so the interpretation will depend on the content and the context, including current events at the time you have it.  They are like secret messages that only you can decode, which is why keeping a dream diary can be so helpful in understanding them. (I offer a template in Answers In The Dark).

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Delphi is the author of Answers In The Dark: Grief, Sleep and How Dreams Can Help You Heal, out now on Amazon and Hive. The Dreams Maven™ is part of the Helping You Sparkle™ portfolio. You might also like Monday Mojo™.

Please note this content may also appear elsewhere as promotional material for Answers In The Dark.

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